Slay the Dragon •
How the Dragon Fuels the Stress of Conflict with Others

In conflicts with others, the enemy we need to attack is not them,
it is the dragon within us. Unless we attack and slay the dragon’s
implied belief, we are at risk for throwing gas on the fire by trying
to control others. We’ll argue and fight as if we can’t feel good and
be at peace until the other person agrees with us, or until he or she
feels better. It’s as if we say, “I can’t feel better until you do.”

However, we make matters worse by acting as if we need them
to feel good before we can feel good. This results in us being like
runaway freight trains, riding roughshod over the negative feelings
of others. We try to stifle their anger, fear, anxiety, depression,
etcetera. Instead of helping them feel better, we make things worse
by trying to force them to feel better by fighting and arguing. “You
shouldn’t feel bad about that. It’s not worth getting upset over.”

The other person feels forced to defend his or her feelings. But
once we take responsibility for our own feelings, we can be more
effective in helping the other person feel better. Once we have slain
the dragon in a particular situation and we are feeling relaxed, we
can then apply the four outer steps to effectively listen. With the
four inner steps, we learn to relax first, and then proceed to deal
coolly and calmly with the stress of conflict.

After we master the four inner steps for slaying the dragon, we
focus on the four outer steps that keep the dragon from rearing its
ugly head and wreaking havoc on our relationships. The four outer
steps help us be more effective at managing conflict with others.
Doing a Daily Review of Your Progress in Slaying the Dragon
It will help you progress in developing the skills associated with
each of the four inner and four outer steps if you keep a stress journal.
Use a notebook or create a file on your personal computer. At
the end of each day, keep a daily record of the situations that
stressed you. It helps to organize your daily review in the following
manner. You will dissect your reaction to help you become more.