Love, Stress & Sex • Plagued by Porn

Chapter 6: Plagued by Porn
People within whom there has not been a proper confluence of the affectionate
and the sensual currents do not show much refinement in their
modes of behavior in love; they have retained perverse sexual aims
…whose fulfillment on the other hand seems possible only with a
debased and despised sexual object [partner].
—Sigmund Freud

“HE’S HUNG UP ON INTERNET-PORN SITES!” Rachel's voice dripped
with disgust. Her husband Brandon was either on internet-porn
sites or secretly watching sex videos. Rachel had found him masturbating
to a porn video. As she yelled, “What are you doing?!” she
picked up the video’s cover. Ironically, its title was: I Like to Watch.
On this day, Rachel had dragged a bedraggled and humiliated
Brandon into my office. How incongruous to see Brandon seated
before me. A portrait of refinement. His clothes were immaculate.
Here was a distinguished looking man, a wealthy wheeler dealer
in commercial real estate. But isn’t it so true, the pillars of the community
often have a secret life. I had seen other men whose wives
dragged or sent them to therapy under threat of divorce. The wives
were sickened and felt debased by their husband’s behavior.
Debauched and distinguished are not such strange bedfellows.
Brandon had a hard time expressing anything, even affection, to
Rachel. He had a timidity about him that was frustrating for
Rachel. Rather than hand her the beautiful Valentine’s Day card he
picked out for her, Brandon left it in the bottom of the grocery bag
for her to find. During our couple’s session, he admitted that he
gets embarrassed by any show of affection. It doesn’t matter if he is
the one displaying affection or the one receiving it. This is where we
started getting him to express his stress over showing or being shown
affection. . . I encouraged Brandon to fully feel his feeling of embarrassment
over showing or receiving affection. [Brandon used the
shift your focus and energy technique and look through technique
to confront and release the hidden hurts driving him to view porn.]